Below are the 9 most recent journal entries recorded in tyranny?'s LiveJournal:

Monday, October 2nd, 2006
7:45 pm	Feelings. I'm not feeling very well at the moment. Well, I'm doing better than ever.. but it feels so weird. I'm hyper all the time, I'm always wanting to do something and I feel like I am wasting time. I tend to do weird things and make a fool of myself and my conscience seems to disappear. I have a sub-conscience, but I don't think before I act anymore. It's just an impulse then I reflect on why I did an action. Like for instance.. poking someone. I know it'll annoy them, but I do it anyways without thinking. After acting I know what I did was wrong and I would've gotten a negative remark from the person. Anyways.. I need to slap myself and start using my head. On another note, I feel like I'm searching for something non-existent in this world. Why can't I find a girl who will like me for who I am, who I allow to get close to me, who I can confide everything in and make me smile no matter what? Or to make me laugh without trying to be funny and who shares the same values as I. And maybe help me with my artwork, give me advice and just show up at my house randomly to do something.. even if its doing nothing and just sitting down. Even write a poem with me or a play. Maybe write something funny or something scary. Someone who I don't have to look good to impress. Maybe even play soccer, or throw a tennis ball/baseball around for the hell of it. Ride bikes on trails and walk through parks. And create a photo album and in ten years say, "hey, remember that! it was so much fun!" or "you were totally drunk that night". It seems like I'm looking for something that is too hard to find. I'm not looking for someone to 'date', I just want to start living. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 14th, 2006
7:35 pm	Meh.. Some things in the past are becoming cloudy.. like everything seems to be fusing into other things. Memories are being combined with false memories and imagination. Now in 5 years, how am I suppose to know whats real or not? Kinda scary, if I do say so myself. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 12th, 2006
6:52 pm	My health book at school has informed me of something that I have been working on for awhile. "Self-confidence". It's basically stating the obvious and sometimes gives practical ways to help. But honestly, some of them are idiotic and not very good in my opinion. It's not one quick solution to my problems, but a long drawn out steps that I have to take...as would anyone suspect. Since there's no "quick fix" for anything. One thing I'm working on is "Stop the negative thoughts", it tells me to have a positive image, which I've been trying hard lately to do. Mostly I think its my change in bi-polar and having hypomania, instead of being in a mixed state. It's a less version of mania, if you feel like looking it up or whatever. Bipolar disorder II is what I have, diagnosed...pretty sad. Well, okay. Think positive, YES I"M DOING THAT. YAY. Recognize your own negative thoughts."I'm ugly" or "I'm low class". First of all, I'd like to tell you that I recognize many negative thoughts and push them out of the way. But there are some that I know are true and you cannot be optimistic about it. Why be optimistic of something that isn't actually true? Isn't that being Ignorant? Like saying, you dad died...but you're happy? No, I don't think so. Another step I guess, would be: "Be Self-Knowledgable", but being self-knowledgable=self concious? Wouldn't that contradict what the negative thoughts are saying? So you want me to be knowledgable about the negative thoughts, but that makes you self-concious. I suppose it would try to make you get rid of them...but eh. Then it goes to values, my "ethics". Values are your reason for behavior. My ethics are complex to the point where there is an ethic for many things that I experience. But my religion? I would say I'm a cross between buddhism, catholicism, judism. Buddhist-catholic-jew... hm, since there's no such thing, what am I, actually? I'm not agnostic, since I'm not looking for a group to join or "don't know which religion is right", because no religion is right. How can a religion based on a HUMAN BEING'S writings be believable? The "book" of god, but written by the hands of humans and then transcribed into ENGLISH by many monks. Don't you think that there may have been some cross-contaimination between the constant telling of stories and translating? Human's aren't perfect, so how can the Bible be "perfect". But we follow it like it, hahahahaha. What a believe in..is a different entry, but anyways... The steps are telling me to not be negative, know your negative thoughts, eliminate them with good thoughts. Okay. I will try. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 5th, 2006
9:54 pm	short and simple. Had a fucking bad migraine today. fuck fuck fuck fuck. (Comment on this)
12:28 am	We're Going To Be Friends Fall is here, hear the yell back to school, ring the bell brand new shoes, walking blues climb the fence, books and pens I can tell that we're going to be friends Walk with me, Suzy Lee through the park and by the tree we will rest upon the ground and look at all the bugs we found then safely walk to school without a sound Well here we are, no one else we walked to school all by ourselves there's dirt on our uniforms from chasing all the ants and worms we clean up and now its time to learn Numbers, letters, learn to spell nouns, and books, and show and tell at playtime we will throw the ball back to class, through the hall teacher marks our height against the wall And we don't notice any time pass we don't notice anything we sit side by side in every class teacher thinks that I sound funny but she likes the way you sing Tonight I'll dream while in my bed when silly thoughts go through my head about the bugs and alphbet and when I wake tommorow I'll bet that you and I will walk together again cause I can tell that we're going to be friends. The White Stripes. And I have a new poem. http://www.allpoetry.com/laaenima (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 3rd, 2006
10:15 pm	Never want to say good bye. I've been talking to Kelly lately... I don't know if its a good thing or not. I specifically know the out-come of this endeavor. One of us is going to say good-bye for good...I guess I'm fine with that, you know? I mean I've been lost to her before and I'm still here.. still breathing and still moving. It's just that each time it happens it'll hurt less and less...till the point where I don't care anymore. We talk about our past memories.. and I hold back tears mentioning all our sweetest memories. But, everything seems to be pointed towards her. All these songs I hear and all these things I see are all related to her in someway. Why is this? Why is this so coincidental?...anyways, I've been working on a new poem in my head all day. Now if I could only remember how it went... I knew it was good because of how I worded it in my head, I know the topic and I know the meaning and I know the style...I just need the words now. ------ I've been asked twice about college today. I hate college and I hate the fact that I MUST go there to make a living in this world. The world runs in this dynamic-always changing place that we cannot just settle down somewhere and live our life. I look around at people persuing a career and adding into the entropy of this society and I think to myself...how can they live like this? How can you be happy working your ass off in a job that you most likely don't even like and trying to make money to be rich. Fuck the riches and fuck the shoving from the consuelers to go to college. We go to college to get an education, but the only real education we need in this life is understanding yourself. How can you live without understanding yourself first? If you say you understand yourself then you must be the smartest person in the world or I'm just dumb and think too deeply in myself. All I know about myself is that...I'm bi-polar and can get maniac depressive. I know I wish I had more to life than what it has to give, I can't express my feelings like everyone else can, and I have an endless desire to feel love. I'm sometimes posessive and obsessive. I'm very open-minded and I understand most things except numbers. I'm creative and shy. When I stated Bi-polar, I'm mania-depressive. I've only experienced one episode and it was the worst thing I've ever experienced in my life. I don't understand it and I know people who experience the 'bi-polar disorder' know more about life than the average person. They are more intelligent and they can sense things. They are also similar and have the same values. I sometimes wonder how I got through that episode and how...am I still alive? Or when will my next episode hit? I've been stuck in the mixed state of bi-polar for awhile, I'm usually above the line but then I dip down a bit then go back up. Basically I switch from hypomania to mixed state. Who am I, though? Why am I here, why am do I have this problem? and why do I feel connected to people who have this problem? It has to be this way. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 30th, 2006
2:46 am	Silence is virtue? Why am I still in love with her? It's been over 4 months now, I should've gotten over it. How come theres always these little things that remind me? Songs, images, people walking, people who look, who have her features and who act like her.. why? I want it all to go away. I feel no solace in this place, filled with her image shadowing behind me. It's an obstacle for me to overcome, but its getting close to the ones where you will get to the top then just fall again. I can feel myself slipping away, as if there's something missing inside and its considerately killing me. It effects my mind and my soul, deterriorating me into something small and insecure...trying to grasp something that will never be there. I'm not going out of my way to think of her, to see similarities of her between others. So why is this happening? Am I suppose to do something? What am I suppose to do? If I call her, it'll end up in the same way everytime before it. Me, not in her life...ever. I suppose its something I haven't gotten over yet... I'm trying hard, very hard. But I guess I will always have a special place in my heart for her. Isn't that cute? No, its not. It'll eventually kill me if I keep her even close to my heart. I keep telling myself to move on, but... I can't. I cannot talk to her, I will not talk to her. I must remain silent. Lesson learned this year... Don't fall in-love with someone unless you aren't blinded by childish love. Know the person, know how they act...know that you will be happy in the end, loving them. But people change and you may stay the same...sometimes you need to let things go even though it would've been perfect. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 29th, 2006
1:21 am	My Entity: Mine: I was born in a city called Riverside, California. It's close to Los Angeles to those who don't know where that is. I have many memories from there and ones that my brain cannot access at the time. I've had many pets since my parents had a dog and a cat. The dog had puppies which flourished into many-many more dogs. They fortunately were all given away. My brother Alexander (Alex), named after my grandfather on my dads side, "Alejandro Torres", died on a jet ski accident. This then lead to many unfortunate events and eventually had us moving to North Tonawanda, New York where I now reside in.. before then, we have been moving around a lot in California anyways. Although I don't remember Alex much, I do remember certain memories of us. Me being.. three or four at the time.. he took me to Jurassic Park in the theaters..yadda yadda My other brother, (both of them were half brothers since my dad married three times), came with us. It ended in him being an idiot and getting sent to Los Angeles to be put into jail for many years. I don't have any memories of him except for him coming once in awhile then leaving. Basically, my family has been constantly wounded, moved a lot and never lived to any neighbors with kids. Which most likely lead to my social anxiety that I have. During 10th grade, things started getting fuzzy. Some thing happened which involved mental problems and being sent into a hospital for almost three months. I don't usually like talking about it, so this ends here. After that, 11th grade started. New beginnings, new things...barely got through the year. Track helped a lot in keeping me sane. My mind soon turned for the greatest...and worst, depending on how you look at it. I finally looked around...realized how everything is, what everything is. How things should be and why they are like this. Answers that people seek, answers that people want to know. Maybe my thoughts are philosophical, but thats another entry. That's basically a summary of my life, skipping many things. (Comment on this)
12:29 am	Something has to change. I created this for my own personal usage. I'm storing my thoughts as of this day, so I wont forget. (Comment on this)